Dear friends,

Worry not, I have not passed into the realm of the underworld. Worse. I was without internet. Life without internet is a like a cookie without sugar. Pointless, bland, and sad for all parties involved. I don’t want to hear any shit about splenda, or sweet-n-crappy cookies being the same thing. It’s not, they’re not. Stop lying to yourself. Grab a stick of butter, watch some paula deen and enjoy life. ❤ Walrus

Anyway, fatassitry aside, have I told you that my roommate is a little on the strange side fucking weird? So, I went to a restaurant the other day, got a to-go box, and put in the fridge… Well, I caught him going through my box of food. Now, I know that you’re thinking: I walked in on him scrummaging through my box. Nope, friend, that is a negative. That seems like it would be the likely case, huh? Walk in, he’s digging through my food. No, that would be too average for my epic housing life. He asked me what was in my togo box. Why yes, my roommate could not figure out what was I had eaten last night so he came up to me (box in hand) and asked me what I ordered.

Okay, first of all, we are not friendly. Do not ask me about my diet. Second of all, stay the fuck out of my food. 99% of the fridge is occupied by his hoard so leave my 1% alone. Kay? Good.

Nope, none of that food is mine. I put my take-out boxes in the upper left corner…. that’s the only reason there’s an empty space there.

It doesn’t just stop there, it can’t just stop there. After I tell him that it’s a guac burger he starts to critique the restaurant that I went to (my burger still in his hand). “Their food is disgusting and you payed way too much for what you got.”

Put my food the down and gtfo.

I will cut you.

So deep.