You know, you’d think that when it matters the most, I’d be able to be the most awesome-unicorn-approved hero, ever. You’d think.
Well, that’s not the case. The moments that most need a unicorn hero are when I bust out the very best dumassitry…
I’m reasonably sure this inability to shoot magical stars and rainbows out my ass on demand is probably why I’m still single.
Not getting what I’m saying?
Let me clarify. You know when you have a crush on somebody, and that somebody is holding up their portion of the conversation in a very clever, witty, and charming manner… Yet, despite the precedence, when it’s my turn to respond. I just vomit up some vaguely english based response (usually not relevant to the conversation.)
My sub-conscience generally decides that moments like this are best to follow up with an epic action. You know: food in the teeth, spilling something, falling into a bear trap, sharting yourself, eating your napkin, … skillz that would attract a mate.
But, it’s not just these in-person encounters that make having a crush easy. It’s also the utter and total lack of knowledge about timing.
Being an aspiring comedian, I’m aware of how critical a well placed line can be, or how powerful …. silence…. can be.
Those rules and ideologies melt like soft shit in the rain when I start texting.
I generally continue in a spastic and incompetent manner until the battery on my phone dies… or I delete their number to keep myself from becoming a desperate texter…
So, here’s to all the people out there like me. Here’s to you, future cat ladies… here’s to us!