Why is the New Year when people decide to post their list of 235978521 things they are going to change about themselves? When in fourteen seconds they’ll end up breaking their commitment… you’re setting yourself for a good hard fail.
I’ll be real with you all.
I’d love to say that I’m going to lose weight. But as soon as I see cake, it disappears:
And sure, I should probably be nicer to people…. but as soon as I go in public some annoying customer service wench is just waiting to death smog me with the newest version of liquid skank butthole perfume. So, to avoid enduring smelling like trollop ass for the rest of the day, I’ll just bonqui my way to a good hard win…
And we all know that everybody’s planning on cutting back on alcohol and the lot… But, seriously, the world is a much more beautiful place when I’m too drunk to think of all the assholes that live in it.
I’d like to make New Years resolutions….but, no! Not me! I’m going to stay the same drunk fatass with a shitty attitude. But, you know what? I love myself for who I am, not who I could be, chins and all.<3
So, to all the people who post one million things you’re going to change this year, when you’re done flirting with Jenny Craig and smelling like Eau de Slut then grab a slice of cheesecake, pick up a beer, and we’ll snarfle at the skinny bitches running from their personalities.
I give you until Valentine’s Day.